What Not to Eat Before Sex: A Cautionary Tale of Garlic, Gas, and Regret

By someone who once had garlic fries before a date and lived to tell the tale

Let me start by saying this: I love food. I’ve planned entire vacations around what I was going to eat. But when it comes to sex, some meals just shouldn’t be part of the pre-game strategy. Because while candlelight and chemistry might get things started… a burrito the size of a small child can end things real fast.

So today, I’m doing the good work of guiding you through the culinary landmines of pre-sex dining. Because not all meals are created equal—and some will absolutely betray you when the clothes come off.

1. Garlic and Onions: The Breath Boss Battle

Look, I love garlic. Garlic bread? Yes. Garlic shrimp? Absolutely. Garlic anything right before kissing someone passionately? Please, no. These sulfur-heavy foods might taste heavenly, but they turn your breath into a fire-breathing dragon situation that no mint can truly mask. Unless you and your partner are both eating the same garlic-laced dish and have a mutual pact of olfactory destruction, maybe skip it until after the action.

2. Beans and Cruciferous Veggies: The Gas Gang

I’m all for fiber. It keeps things moving—just not during sexy time. Beans, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage… these are the fart squad of the food world. They ferment in your gut like a science experiment and can create bloating, gurgles, and the dreaded accidental air release. Nothing kills the mood faster than an uninvited toot mid-romance. Save the legumes for leg day.

3. Greasy or Fried Foods: The Energy Sucker

That late-night burger and fries may seem like a sexy idea in the moment—comfort food to set the mood. But fatty, greasy foods slow digestion, zap your energy, and make you feel sluggish. They’re like that NPC who shows up just to ruin your quest. Instead of feeling frisky, you’re curled up on the couch in a food coma, questioning all your life choices.

4. Spicy Foods: Playing with Fire

A little spice can be great for the libido—capsaicin (in chili peppers) can increase endorphins and blood flow. But it can also cause heartburn, sweating, and let’s be real—spicy burps. And if you’re planning any oral adventures later, spicy residue can lead to some very unpleasant tingling (and not the fun kind). Proceed with caution unless you're into... fiery surprises.

5. Carbonated Drinks: Bubbles of Betrayal

Soda, sparkling water, champagne—they seem innocent enough. But those bubbles expand in your stomach and can leave you feeling bloated and burpy. Nothing says “romance” like suppressing a belch during a seductive whisper. If you’re aiming for sexy and suave, maybe swap the fizzy stuff for still water and keep your dignity intact.

6. Too Much Alcohol: From Flirty to Floppy

Yes, a little wine can lower inhibitions and set the mood. But too much can turn you from Casanova to catatonic in record time. Alcohol messes with arousal, response, and stamina for everyone. Your libido might still be clocked in, but your body could be like, “Sorry, bro, we’re closed.” Think of it like a potion with a very specific dose.

7. Dairy Overload: Not Your Friend

For some folks, dairy before sex can lead to bloating, gassiness, and a general sense of, “Why did I do this to myself?” Even if you’re not lactose intolerant, heavy creams and cheeses can weigh you down and create unwanted… background noise. Romantic mood: ruined.

TL;DR (Too Lusty; Didn’t Risk it):

Avoid the garlic, go easy on the beans, skip the fryer basket, cool it with the bubbly, and maybe rethink the three-cheese lasagna right before a romp. Your stomach—and your partner—will thank you.

Food can absolutely set the stage for a beautiful night, but let’s keep it to things that leave you feeling light, confident, and ready to perform. Choose your menu like you’d choose your lingerie: flattering, functional, and unlikely to betray you in a moment of passion.

Bon appétit, skip the bean dip, and let the afterglow begin.